If only.
Dinner with Cathy last night. Tried hard to be no more than halfway in love with her, to avoid blurting out potentially-embarassing stuff like “would it be way too creepy if I gave up everything here and followed you to North Carolina?”. Didn’t really work, but I didn’t blurt anything. Just being around her hurts sometimes, – not so much pain as much as just sorta seeing everything colored with the way things could’ve been, if only I’d said something sooner, if only I’d been more willing to take a risk, if only she weren’t moving… if only, if only, if only. And that’s what hurt.
Got home, felt very much alone and very cold… watched TV for a while, stayed up way too late chatting, then went to bed. Found out this morning that I’d wound up hurting a friend by being stupid about something. More argh. Listened to Moby on the bus, til the player ran out of battery. Moby’s good for being cold, blue, and mopey. “I never meant to hurt you…”
